hello, breakdown. hello, CSULB.

I spent the last two days up in Ktown with Aaron/roommates/mice. I spent most of the time crying, trying not to vomit, and harassing Aaron. Eventually we got into a fight, and I realized how intolerable I’ve been, and moreover, how terrified I am. For the first time in a long time, I don’t know how to live my life. I don’t know how to teach, or navigate life in this city, or drive, or even live with Aaron – none of these being things I’ve done before, nor even things that, a year or two ago, I would have told you I’d ever even considered doing. I am incredibly fucking scared all the time. I’ve realized that all I know is how to be myself, and at least these past few days, I haven’t been doing it. I’ve just given in to the terror. Many people have given me the same advice about teaching: never forget who you are, and when you’re at a loss, turn to that sense of self, because often there’ll be nothing and no one else to turn to. So, I’m trying now to remember who I am, and why I’m here. It helps to steady me, when problems look insurmountable, and tasks look too huge to even approach, and every time I feel the tears welling up. It’s not about not being scared; it’s about not giving in to it.

Today Aaron shuttled me to Long Beach, where the evening’s activities consisted of check-in, financial aid session, and a big ole’ barbeque. Instead of being social and picking up the smell of charred flesh, I was bad and went on a Target/CompUSA run with Rebecca, one of my suitemates from LMU. We bought ethernet cables and snackables and stopped off at Quizno’s, for lack of any other option. It was definitely preferable to mingling and explaining the vegetarian issue yet again, but apparently we got our summer teaching placements at dinner, and now I’ve got to find another time and place where I can check on mine. For tomorrow, I’m at the high school. Note the definite article: there’s only one among the summer placement schools, and I’m really hoping that this means I’ll be there the whole time. There is no guarantee – one girl who already has a high school placement was placed at an elementary for the summer. As of this post, I still lack a placement.

Lots to do this week. I have to write up a bunch of reflections on my curriculum tonight, and by Thursday I’ve got to have two essays written for my TeachLA application. Thursday is also my processing appointment with The District, which will be smooth or nightmarish depending on how much the fingerprinting staff decides it likes me. Then we’re in workshops upon workshops. The unexpected good news is that we’re only in session until 2 tomorrow, it being a holiday and all. I wish I wasn’t being such a lame-o about the license; in my mind, I’m driving my imaginary car back up to Ktown and spending the evening with Aaron. It’s probably better this way; he has writing to do, and I should take the opportunity to get to know some more people. There are tons of us here – Bay Area, Baltimore, St. Louis, Las Vegas, Chicago, and DC, in addition to my massive LA corps.

I started on a down note, so let’s end on a positive. As I mentioned earlier: today was Financial Aid Day! Between depositing a grant, a loan, and my old apartment deposit, I’m shockingly flush. Assuming I don’t have any large expenditures this summer (and really, I’m not going to have time to spend money, even if I wanted to), I have first month’s rent, deposit, and a pretty decent down payment for that eventual car.